It wasn't the bullet itself that irked me most. The bullet was inconsequential excepting the fact that it was clearly lodged somewhere in my back, numbing my body closer and closer to unconsciousness. But, I suppose, it wasn't the bullet's fault. It was mine. How could I really see it any other way?
dope farmer extremeI hadn't seen the second guy. Nevermind the absentmindedness that led me into this neighborhood in the first place. I'd marked the target. I'd followed the target. I just didn't realize he wasn't worth rolling until I was already in this fragging neighborhood. Getting out of it again seems to have proven fatal. Or maybe I'm just hallucinating the puddle of my own blood slowly growing on the pavement...
But, yeah, your life grasps at straws as it drains away. Your heart races and you panic, when you realize just what's happening.
I don't want to die. I'm not ready to die. What a lousy fragging way to go!
My life did flash before my eyes, or at least the fragged-up parts of it. Nothing good. Okay, maybe a few things. My mom, for one. But thoughts of her are always surrounded by mourning, loss, and a little bit of anger. My dad. Lots of anger there. What he did to me after mom was gone... I've spent my whole life running from that.
In fact, that's it. I've been running. Running from life itself. Keeping to the shadows, hidden away from any chance of actually experiencing anything worthwhile. Never purposely let a guy kiss me, for example. Never loved. Never trusted. Never made a difference. Never mattered. To anyone. Is anyone even going to care that I'm dead? Will anyone notice? David will notice. That's something anyway. At least he'll have Joey and Lissa to look after him.
Crap. What a total frag-up. No wonder I'm dying in an alley, next to a rusting Nissan Jackrabbit. All the time I spent trying to keep from getting blindsided again by anything and look what happens.
I didn't see the other guy.
But no amount of panic and repentence seems to be making the world get less gray. It's getting cold and dark. And I don't think I'm headed to a happy place...
Posted by RaynDragon at March 15, 2007 03:01 AM